The coping mechanism for anger is…

In this uncertain world that we live in right now, many of us have been struggling with anxiety, anger management, ADHD, and many other mental disorders. That including me. I noticed a lot of the time. I felt angry towards others for petty reasons or no reasons at all. I tend to look for faults in the people I work and live with, but most of all, I look for imperfections in myself. It was hell. When I give myself the space, times, and lots of love to be still and quiet, I realized my anger is the umbrella that I created to protect myself from the storm of feeling not good enough, unworthy, and small.

I dug deeper and deeper into my consciousness. Every interaction, every feeling, and emotion, I gently drop the awareness in, stir it up and let it sink into the mind. The more I accept my feelings, the more I understand that my feelings are the signals to my pains.

The pain engraved in me when I was in 3rd grade, and my classmate made fun of me for journaling. I remember it quite vividly. They took out my diary and read it out loud. They started to laugh together. I felt embarrassed. I told myself I was not a good enough friend. I was not special enough for them to respect me.

Or the time that my parents forgot to pick me up from school multiple times because they were too busy with work. So I thought I am not that significant. My parents, who tell me they love me so very much, decided that work is more important than their daughter. That conditioned the unworthiness in my mind.

During my teenage years, boys started to talk about my boobs and acted as if I was a doll or some sexual magazine column to discuss whenever, wherever they desire to. Once again, I felt completely hurt. I started to hide under my clothes and hunch my back because I feel unsafe in my own body.

In my early 20s, I started to date and had my heart broken. The people that I dated commenting on my body, telling me I need to lose weight, or calling me names. One even told me that I am not a wifey material, and all I am for them is just a temporary stop. The feeling of not good enough grows bigger and bigger. It somehow made me believe that that was my reality and my truth.

I started to get uncomfortable and sensitive when someone gave me negative feedbacks or confront me when I do something wrong. “How dare you! You know how hard I work for this? You don’t have the right to tell me that.”. I thought my self-worth was violated when people tell me what to do. Or when I could not figure out my career path. Or I have been single for the last couple of years.

I know the voices in my head trying to protect me. They think that taking me back to my shell is the safest thing for me. But they are wrong. The best thing for me is not to feel comfortable and stay in a safe nest. The best thing for me is to face my fears and discomfort. To get to the roots of my layers and conditions and befriend with them. Understand the shadow leads to self-love. Thich Nhat Hanh described this beautifully: “ When you understand, you cannot help but love”.

So here I am, at the period of life where I am so afraid yet so ready to face my fears and darkness. I embrace them with awareness and pour out the love.

Come home, my sweet child.

TJA